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On so many levels.

I woke up at 9:30am today after a night tossing and turning.

Not good. Itapos;s now 10:30 and do u think iapos;ve started ne work? Looks like a super late night for me :s

Msgd keith last night before bed. BIG mistake. But at least this is it. I donapos;t know, it was an angry fight when i said take care and all the best, i just wanted to say how i felt without anger.

Got the coldest nastiest responses back. But that makes it easier for me. Iapos;m confident more than ever that he just couldnt give a shit and it makes moving on necessary and something attainable.

At least i wasnapos;t getting the whole "i love u" crap when i knew in my heart that that wasnapos;t true.

So yes, a bit of truth goes a long way.

Also ended up msging R in my sleep last night?? Lol it was bizaree. I have no recollection of it happening, woke up and got a msg this morning from a gf and i saw his msgs in my inbox and im liek what are these? lol they were responses to what i had written him, which were in my outbox.

bloody bizarre he prob thinks im crazy now lol. Or on the wacky tobaccy lol.

so this gf who msgd me. The guyshe has been put thru hell with is back home from an overseas trip. He was gone 5 months. She waited for him. Know how that feels :(

fking sucks so i was so happy for her that heapos;d come home. However in the next week or 2 is the final decider of those two. She said that sheapos;d do the right thing and wait, but if HE still doesnapos;t make a committment within these two weeks to her sheapos;s callingit off for good (heapos;s been dicking her around for 1.5 yrs now).

No is the honeymoon period as heapos;s just got home and itapos;s all wonderful. Just hope it stays that way.

She has been unlucky in love. She deserves a bit of luck.

I feel like iapos;m gng nowhere in my life at times. This is just pessimistic bhaviour and it doesnt help that i was back at uni for another semester so my life is on hold yet again.

But i look at her, a yr and a half younger than me, she earns $400 per week for a casual job (more than i ever did at 21). She gets a company car, she looks great after a really hard slog at the gym (so i dont envy that, she deserves it. And she deserves everything really im not beign a tall poppy). I guess what im trying to get at is i hope 2009 is my yr, as 2008 has been hers.

I really do, i think i deserve it. And i try hard at everything and i dont just wait foropporunities i try and grab them as much as i can circumstances permitting (i.e. Atuni now, cant exactly go et an amazing full time job).

neway this is quite a down entry. I guess its sad ppl who meant so much to you, ppl who thought uouldnt exist without, are strangers now.

ppl are moving forward, and i just feel like im stying still in a lot ofways.

why canapos;t we all be kids again?

Getting back to work now xox

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I keep trying to break out of this introverted slump Iapos;ve been in lately, itapos;s pretty difficult to be honest.

Iapos;m reading Deep Economy by Bill McKibben right now and Iapos;m excited about the idea of local community farming, but Iapos;m too turned in on myself right now to talk about it at great length into the camera. I will occasionally talk about it with folks at the coffee shop, or maybe in my house, but itapos;s growing harder and harder to actually verbalize it without a prompter or someone else there.

I suppose thats why community is really valuable to me right now. Itapos;s where I am drawing a lot of my strength, although my house mates may not even know it because Iapos;m in my room a lot these days. I suppose it would look like, from an outsiders P.O.V. That Iapos;m being very anti-social, which maybe I am, but Iapos;m still grateful that they are here, in the house.

This poverty thing has me all in a tizzy, Iapos;m looking at the popular perception of poverty in the world, you know the "save the children" type advertizing, vs. The American Governments definition of Poverty and they simply donapos;t line up.

There are definitely impoverished people in America, but itapos;s not because they are not making over $10K a year, itapos;s because they donapos;t have a good shelter or enough to eat because the market has globalised to such a degree that they simply canapos;t fathom themselves farming their own food, or relying on their neighbors to provide them with valuable services. Local communities are struggling to keep up with the way we Americans and other "developed nations" live our lives. If we simply take ownership again of our own wellbeing and started to give each other a sense of self worth alot of this "economic crisis" would hardly faze us.

Take for example a family here in KY, they and their families have lived on the same piece of land for hundreds of years, and therefore they happen to own a lot of land (100+ acres) but itapos;s not because they are wealthy, in fact they make 50 LESS than the governments defined "poverty level" and therefore would require aid and assistance in many peoples view. The thing is though, these people are really happy folk, they have food because they either grow it, or trade what they donapos;t need to their neighbors who have other kinds of food. They have a house, albeit a small and ever deteriorating one, and they have each other, themselves and their neighbors. Why should we tell them that they have to live up to our standard of living when they are content with what they have.

I talk myself into circles when I donapos;t have anyone responding in real time, which is why Iapos;m not a good writer, but man Iapos;m just tired of the expectation that if youapos;re not living the American dream with all the shit that comes along with it that somehow youapos;re failing. Iapos;m happy that weapos;ve finally come to the end of this giant economic growth monster weapos;ve created, maybe now the local economy will springboard back into existence. Probably not though, considering we are still talking about "rescuing" this failing beast.

Anyway, I did record a video today, despite the introvert struggle:



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(Hey there - this is my first post. Iapos;m hoping I havenapos;t violated any rules, but if I have, feel free to correct me and I shall make changes where due.)

So, folks, guess what? My classapos;s regular algebra teacher is on paternity leave, and we have a substitute teacher for the next six weeks or so.

A substitute teacher who went to high school with Adam Baldwin, and also had the glorious gift of being bullied by him in a very Jayne-like fashion throughout those years.

Iapos;m not even kidding.

Iapos;m thinkinapos; of asking whether Adam stuffed him into any trash cans. Any other requests/suggestions?
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